They didn’t deserve it. None of them did. Ryan was too young; Nate had such a good heart; Jenny was full to the brim with vitality; Kevin was too popular; Matthew’s just lucky to be alive. They all passed violently, without purpose or reason. And now Pete. Sure Pete’s still here but in what capacity? I don’t even know. I’m not sure about much these days.

Do you like flirting with tragedy? Does defying history and statistics with such blind braggadocio swell your ego? Sheepishly I answer yes. Apparently. Years of losing friends has taught me nothing. I’m 23 and have lost too many friends and classmates to the insatiable jaws of vehicular destruction. And while I wipe away the tears with my left hand, my right is adjusting my stereo instead of securing myself behind a seat belt.

All of my friends have tried relentlessly to break me. They’ve pleaded, reasoned and humored me for years. I have tried, but now I submit to the truth that it was half-hearted. I was doing it for others. For Kate. For Ray and Seth. Never for myself. But why?

I don’t value my own life. I’ve always been comfortable with death, and especially my own death. Now I’m sure that sounds just a smidge morbid for most, but I am. At an early age, I was confronted and submerged in an environment of death in gradeschool (88 funerals in 9 months as an altar boy, to be exact) and in personal life. I’ve been confronted with the possible death of several immediate family members more than once. And of course suffering from depression for years is like the black powdered sugar on top. It’s not that I don’t *value* life, perhaps I’ve just become comfortable with the concept of death. Is it possible to become that at peace with such a monumental psychological construct that you could attach less importance to it? I’m not entirely sure, but for about 9 years or so I’ve been fine with the idea of me passing (read: not *wanting* to die. just not afraid)

But i’ve never given much though to others. Not everyone is as jaded to death and loss as I am. As much as I don’t see why, my friends and family would probably be mildly upset, at least for a time. And the only reason I have come to see this is because I’m finally starting to take stock in my own feelings of loss and hurt when *my* friends are killed. And Lord, have they been.

So this is my pledge…to no one but myself…while I may see my death as insignificant and trite, I cannot play down or belittle the emotions of others at such an event. Therefore I’ll stop being the pompous ass that I am and actually make a concerted, heartful attempt to “buckle up for safety.”

Because as I’m often reminded from concerned friends, “what’s holding [me] back?” — I have been.