Dear Self,

There are times where I have absolutely no clue what’s going on with you, emotionally. And as someone who prides themself on being emotionally “in-the-know,” this is both terrifying and paralyzing. And as much as I loath a writing style such as this, perhaps I’ll break my own rules for once, per chance that together we may figure this out.

You are great at diagnostics. You can analyze, dissect and get to the root of things with ease. Complex psychological and/or emotional patterns are easily apparent to you. So, why in the hell can’t you figure out why we’re so unhappy right now?

First off, you should be happy. You’re engaged. Nothing could make us happier. The problem is, the fiance lives 100 miles away. While dating, this caused a sense of longing, but now that half of your life is in another city, that makes you feel torn and stretched. You have a house and an extended family waiting for you, but accessible only on the weekends. The other half of your life is in Cincinnati. And the question of “where will you live once married” scares the living crap out of you.

What else? You are securely employed, and paid well. Opposite side: All of your friends are soon to be doctors and lawyers, with impending salaries that make ours look like we’re running a lemonade stand. Problem is, I don’t care about money and I’m not competative. But yet I still care about this, and wish I was paid more for what I do. Is it a “fair compensation” issue? Do you merely want a reasonable wage for the amount of work that I’m currently burdened with? I’m not sure. All I know is that you feel like you cannot support a family on what you make currently. Somehow, someway, something along the way has equated money with success in your life (most likely for it’s ability to be a Provider). This is a problem and source of stress in our life.

You certainly have plenty of ‘toys’ to play with. Cameras, audio equipment, laptops, speakers, and so on. Your hobbies are well induldged. Opposite side: Your damn visual nature and love of aesthetically beautiful things make us lust for new, shiney products. I hate this part of you. And while you rarely act on the impulse, it’s equivalent to holding back a river. It stresses me out nonetheless as well, and makes the previous problem all the worse.

Your friends. You are more than blessed with a wonderful group of friends. So what could be wrong with this part of your life? Well, no one’s around. Local friends are all too busy with school. Scattered friends are too far away to be seen on a regular basis. This is another *big* source of stress for you, I fear. For some reaon you always needed a strong friend connection. However, this is an inevitable part of life, something we must move past.

Your creative drive. You’ve always thrived on creativity, and being surrounded by such. You are currently, however, not surrounded or involved with consistent creative projects. This leaves you feeling unfilfilled and together we don’t feel like we’re “ourselves.” How can we fix this?

Well, the career path is another big one. Let’s not forget that. Perhaps related to the last issue too. You’re happy doing what you’re doing, because you can derive a sense of accomplishment from it. Once that’s gone, though, you’re not sure if you want to do that forever. You are scared as hell to go back to school, though you know you want to. But for what? Psychology? Education? Art? Humanities? PhD or MA? I think we’re getting a little closer to the bigger ticket items, because this one strikes a major chord of fear. You feel like a failure for not getting an extended education. You fear that not getting a master’s degree or higher will leave you unqualified for higher paying jobs. But you’re so tired of working so hard at work and can’t imagine going to school on top of it. What they said about not taking a break was true. You should have gone straight to grad school. So now what are you going to do? What do you even want to do with your life? It’s a little late to be asking yourself this, for the record…

We can’t forget the daily struggle of your self image. While you’ve made great strides in this…losing over 110lbs, caring/learning about nutrition and health, etc…it’s still a constant battle to continue on. It’s the last thing you want to do every day. It takes up so much of your time. But you can’t give it up, and surrender to it. But this doesn’t make either of us feel any less stressed out. Add it to the list, shall we?

I’m sure I could go on, listing what’s happening in your life to make us both stressed out. Unfinished art pieces. Responsibilities not fulfilled. It all adds up though.

So, self, I ask you: what are we going to do about all of this? You walk around feeling like you’re going to puke because you’re unhappy/unsure of life…but how are we going to change that? We’ve got to start somewhere damnit.

Ok. Agreed. Let’s mark off tennis instructor from possible career paths. That’s a start, right?