Ok, so we’ll wait a little longer for some change around here. My last post was premature.
I was thinking a lot yesterday about the concept of “ah ha moments” in life…you know, the times when you’re in the middle of some seemingly mundane life activity all of a sudden…BAM…it hits you. You realize something about yourself, your life, etc—the puzzle pieces fit together or things just seem right. It’s as if the camera of our life’s cinema swings up to pan for a wide shot…showing all of the people on the set, behind the magic. Everything is put in context. The camera clicks for a snapshot. I’m quite blessed to have my share of ah ha moments in life.
The first that comes to mind involves the smell of mold, a bit of dust, and geometric philosophy. Standing in the middle of the Mathematical Literature section of the Univeristy of Northern London’s library, reaching for another book on dodecanhedrons and polygonal structures, it hit me. AH HA. This is college. This is what it means to be in scholarly pursuit. Away for the summer, in an awesome city filled with more art and history than I could ever get to see…I was still getting done what I needed to for my studies. It felt like something straight out of a movie…or someone else’s life. I was studying quasi-complicated material in a foreign country’s library. This…this is college.
Oddly enough, yet another moment came during that same summer abroad. While I can think of many tiny ah ha moments (standing on top of the Eiffel Tower at night or visiting the Louvre), the other major one involved church. Granted, I have issues with the current folk-style liturgy that post Vatican II has forced upone us, so I’m not sure if my cynicism towards the American Catholic church elevevated this ah ha moment to a higher status or not. But the instant that I stood during the consecration…during a Mass in a cathedral in downtown Dublin…I’ve never in my life felt a more complete connection not only to my faith, but also to my heritage. A pious, yet strong and proud mix of Gaelic and Latin filled the air, complimented by breath-taking architecture. The addition of all the elements made this a particularly strong ah ha moment for me. Standing there with arches sweeping over my head…this…this is my faith.
Sadly, not all such moments are fuzzy and warm. Life-affirming in a different way, one of the first and most pivotal ones came when I was thirteen. Having spent the day at my confirmation retreat, I came home to sink myself into NBA Jam for the Super Nintendo. To make a very long story short, my older sister walked out the door and changed my life. As my hero, (my confirmation sponsor), and the one I worshipped in everything…she walked out the front door of the house to run away/kill herself. I found the note later. Standing in the middle of the family room, as my parents left to go to the hospital…it hit me. Ah ha. This is where my life changes. This is where my family will never be the same. This…this is the future of my family.
Most recently, with the advent of this whole ‘getting married’ thing, there have been a few more. This weekend in particular, it just happened to be while sitting in a chair inside the ministry center at Holy Spirit church in Louisville, staring at a fish tank. While my parents amused themselves in the lobby, the fiance and I met with the priest to finalize some issues and go over the results of our compatibility tests. As the priest asked us a few short-answer type questions, I sat and listened to the girl I’ve been dating for six years. Shy, quiet and very uneasy in answering interview-type situations, and never the one to otherwise articulate such things to me personally…she spoke softly to the priest telling him why she loved me. Ah ha. This is my future wife. This…this is who I’m going to spend the rest of my life with. This is good.
There have been many others, in other cities, in metro parks and on road trips. These small, 20-second instances in our lives are what make it all worthwhile. So much of (my) life seems so random and unplanned, that the progression and causality of such does not seem architected by anyone or anything. But these small glimpses of enlightenment make me realize that darnit…there might just be some sort of bigger plan in all of this. And in this moment, things are on track.
