This guy’s a contender. No, seriously. This guy is a really big winner. Apparently someone is *forcing him at extreme gunpoint* to not only fork over money to a school, but also to
Or at least enough to warrant three responses for every one of mine. Let’s follow along, shall we? [first email remains in the oh-so-mature format of all-caps, to retain both flare and style the author intended]
WHEN IS THE CLASS INFO FOR THE SUMMER TERM GOING TO BE AVAILABLE ON [SCHOOL’S] INADEQUATE & OUTDATED WEBSITE? I’D LIKE TO BE ABLE TO SEE IF MY INSTRUCTOR HAS POSTED ANYTHING TO BLACKBOARD, OR AT LEAST WHAT BOOKS I NEED TO BUY. YOU GUYS ACT LIKE WE HAVE ALL THE TIME IN THE WORLD. I’M OUT OF THE COUNTRY FOR 2 WEEKS AFTER THIS WEEKEND AND I’D LIKE TO GET SOME OF THIS DONE BEFORE I RETURN AND START MY CLASS. PLEASE! PLEASE! PLEASE! HELP! I’VE REQUESTED HELP FROM YOU GUYS DOZENS OF TIMES OVER THE PHONE AND YOU GUYS JUST DON’T TAKE CARE OF PROBLEMS. AND YOUR WEBSITE JUST FLAT OUT DOESN’T WORK AND YOU GUYS ARE CHARGING $600/CREDIT HOUR FOR THIS BOGUS SERVICE! RIPOFF!
Alright, so the guy’s peeved. I get it. Not being helped is frustrating. However, I try and smooth things over (and figure out what the hell he actually needs). I write:
[name], Thanks for writing. I’m sorry you’ve been having difficulty finding the information that you need. However, I’m not quite sure what information you’re looking for. If you’re looking for Blackboard info, have you used your portal account and checked the class page yet? That may also list the syllabus in which you can find book information. Let me know if there are any other questions you have, I’m more than happy to help as much as I can.
Well apparently this helpful tone was not the correct choice for this bloke, as three consecutive emails, timed between 12am and 7am, were dispatched my way. With love.
Listen, It’s as simple as this. You guys have not loaded any term data for summer or fall. I WANT TO SEE SUMMER. GET ME THERE PLEASE!
No clue what you’re talking about pal. None.
The bottom line is that according to your out of date website that must be left over from 1997 or something, I’m not registered for any summer and fall courses. I call your MBA program staff, registration and the bursar. They continue to tell me a bill for my summer courses are in the mail. This has gone on for weeks. [school] simply cannot handle computers AT ALL! Go back to pencil and paper. That’s my suggestion. You guys are forcing me out of your MBA program due to your 100% lack of ability to provide any sort of information to me. Lame! And you guys think your tuition hike is justified. Around the nation, [your school] has a POOR academic reputation that I’m paying a premium for. You deserve no pay hike. Please have someone get these things done for me.
Wow. Apparently our deciding to ditch paper record books in favor of more efficient, money-saving databases has caused this guy to be a national barometer of educational reputation. Wait, that didn’t make any sense. Oh well, neither does he. Here’s the oh-so-thrilling final email:
Bottom line is that if you guys can no longer service your customers, I want all the money back I’ve spent working myself halfway through the MBA program. I wouldn’t recommend [school] to my worst enemy! [school] is a rogue and UNETHICAL Institution. Please have someone with some kind of knowedge about something who tells the truth (if such a person exists at [school]) at xxx-xxx-xxxx.
Ah thanks buddy for wrapping it up so coherently. I’m reeeeeallly tempted to phone the number you gave me. Just to call you an asshat and hang up on you. Because you can’t form a coherent sentence.
Jackass.
