I’m going to bastardize this entire post. I can already tell. From here it is just a downward slide, so consider this your warning dear reader.

I slipped out of bed this morning, disdainfully rolling my sleep-filled eyes at the alarm clock. Routinely shuffling imaginary dotted paths…coffee maker…’fridge…bathroom…closet…on autopilot the entire way and certainly not cognizant of any of it. Some would say just another Monday. I say indeed, and just another day at all. This is how they all seem to be lately.

There is no need to alert the media, as it is no real news that my search for it is ongoing (and tragically unsuccessful). Nonetheless, I still find myself wrestling with what it means to feel, to be alive. Fighting the novocain of routines, elusively trying to out-wit the feeling of being dead inside. But this search has become so commonplace in my life that even it has turned routine and predictable.

I hate feeling dead inside. But worse, I hate feeling lost in my search for a cure. But for one brief shining week and a half in October, it disappeared. Like a fog slowly lifting, I was totally unaware of it’s recession at the time.

As we drove the countryside of Ireland, I felt so oddly at peace that I fail to think of any other time that I’ve been comparably calm. I do not doubt that being freshly married, having a total holiday from work, and generally being disconnected from the world all played a part. But the country itself was, perfect. Rarely, if ever, have I felt such an overwhelming sense of belonging, of peace in myself.

Since then, I’ve romanticized it all, balking at it and thinking that I made it up because I feel faux-connected due to my Irish ancestry. But in all honesty, I didn’t want to feel such a strong connection to the country and it’s people. I went in with no real notion other than to see the sights and relax with my wife. But now being home, I feel a pull towards it. As if everything in Ireland fit perfectly. Whether it was the landscape, the culture, my heritage, I am not sure. Perhaps it was just being away from stress here. Or not being connected 24-7.

All I know is that for a glorious ten days, I was able to breathe with no labor, smile without force and sleep with peaceful abandon. And now that I know what that feels like, I want it back.