Selling a house (and buying a new one) is probably the most vague, confusing, overwhelming and terrifying thing I’ve ever done. And everyone does it. Some people are even sadistic enough to do it every few years. What the hell?

Having watched too many hours of HGTV, I was convinced that *everything must go* in order to…what do the hosts say…oh yea, “depersonalize the house and make it look more spacious and inviting.” Right. Making a 1300 square foot house seem roomy is like adding 17” rims to a Ford Escort: sometimes it’s just not prudent to try that hard. Nonetheless, we’ve spent the past few weeks taking intermittent loads of crap (read: mostly my speakers and our alcohol) to the in-laws’ house. Granted the house does look a lot better. Maybe those bozos on HGTV have something here. At the very least the in-laws have a veritable party warehouse in their basement.

So after our bluelight clearance month, we then spent a few weeks sprucing up the outside. Mulching, mowing, weed-killing, planting and staining the back deck. And then came the tidal wave of cleaning. With too many episodes of “Designed to Sell” in my head, we resolved to have a completely spotless abode for when potential buyers were touring our home. (This process in itself is completely weird.) The problem with cleaning, however, is that everyday use makes it dirty again. It’s some law of nature, right? But the problem is that every dish must be put away, the countertops spotless, the bathroom sinks free of toothpaste, etc. Hardest. Thing. Ever. Because I dunno about yours, but our sinks auto-generate toothpaste globs whether you’re even using the sink or not. Maybe that should be on the disclosure?

With the house on the market now, our evenings are spent avoiding home, in an ironic twist of events. The past months have actually gotten me more proud of where we live, which isn’t surprising, as it looks nice now. But with a few appointments each night, we spend post-work hours filling the time elsewhere. When we get home after 9 or 10pm, we feverishly clean and get ready for the next day’s work and hit the sack. It’s as if we live in a museum where things can’t be touched. Hell I’m even brushing my teeth and spitting into the toilet so as not to have to clean the friggin’ bathroom sink again. Actually this is a pretty neat trick that I just must add to my repertoire from now on. Talk about effortless! Timesaving!

We’re on the edge of our seats. Though we haven’t found a dream house to move in to, I think we’re just very much focused on selling. The odd part is that in all of this it’s as if you are personally being graded or evaluated when these strangers come through your home. Your personal style, decorating, organization and cleanliness are on display for extreme scrutiny. And what’s worse is that the final grade is a sum of money that I can’t even wrap my head around. Hell I still get excited about saving $0.10 per gallon on my gas. ‘Cuz that’s a lot of scrilla.

We’ve got two more showings again tonight, bringing the total since Friday to 9 (even one on Easter). Supposedly we’re going to get another offer today but we’ll see. (We had one Saturday night that they walked after our counter-offer. Jerks.) By the end of the week we could be a) homeless b) up sh*t’s creek or c) still in limbo. Can you tell I’m a positive person? ‘Cuz I am. We’re surely in over our heads. That I’m positive about.