Dear Kool-Aid Man Who Was a Bit Too Passionate About His Job,

I don’t know where you’ve gone, big guy. I mean, back in the ’80s you were everywhere. I feel like I couldn’t turn on the television without seeing you busting through people’s homes in that overly-enthusiastic way that only you would do. Heck, between you, Mr. T and Alf, I would have thought you were the only three people on the planet. You guys were everywhere and it was awesome. But what happened, man? Where did you go?

I can only guess that your trademark hijinks and manner of conducting yourself got you in to some trouble with your employer. I can’t say I’m surprised. Truth be told, you do come on rather strong. I mean after all, it’s just a drink. Is my beverage choice really justification for thousands of dollars of home repair? And can you not simply use the door? Oh my pardon. That is certainly not in reference to your size at all. I know you’re a thick guy. It’s cool. All I’m saying is that you could have rung the doorbell and shimmied in sideways or something, instead of blowing a hole the size of Manhattan in the kitchen wall. I mean all that dust and debris! It’s amazing that no one got hurt. Or had an asthma attack due to dust inhalation. There were a lot of people in the ’80s with asthma you know.

We could really use you these days, though. With all these punk kids drinking gallons of soda each day, we need some of that old school bravado around. No one on the TV is here to keep the children in check, to be the hydration watchdog of the youth. Sure, your belly full of red sugar water isn’t much more sound of a nutritional choice, but at least you got people to question their selection of drinks, right? You were the Plato of commercial spokespeople back then! Ok, not really. You didn’t seem to grasp words much beyond “Oh yeah!” So this technically makes you a markedly poor choice for a spokesman. But it must have worked. To this day I’d recognize that goofy-ass magic marker smile and obnoxiously thick eyebrows anywhere. Nonetheless, I think you’ve still got some miles left in your career. If you found yourself a good agent you might just be able to stage a second (more peaceful) coming. Look at Hulk Hogan, he did it.

So Kool-Aid Man who was a bit too passionate about his job, I send my sincerest wishes. If you’re out there somewhere, be it on the white sandy beaches of Maui sipping fruit punch or curled up on a sewer grate in DC enjoying some EctoCooler, I hope you’ll consider a comeback. And if you see Tony the Tiger around at all, give him a high five for this guy. He was another spirited chap that’s sorely missed.

Sincerely,
Brian Faust

PS - If all the coke sniffing and other assumed debauchery from the ’80s has dried up your funds, consider suing Lil John for stealing your catch phrase. I’m sure he’s got a few mil’ laying around he could part with.