I thought we had hit the lottery when we introduced Jonas to The Bell. I had a friend in high school who’s family hung a jinglebell from their back door so that their dog could nudge it when he needed to go outside. Thinking that this would not only provide entertainment, but also an effective means of communication between beast and person, we set out to do the same. [sidenote: you can’t imagine how difficult it is to find bells when it’s not September/the start of the holiday season]

Four weeks in to this routine and Jonas is a champ. It honestly only took one time of showing him (via his snout) how to ring it before he wrapped his little doggy head around the concept. It took him awhile to perfect his method, initially trying to hit it with his butt or torso. This yielded little attention from us because it barely rang the darn things. Being the Mensa card-carrying member that he is, he decided that using the nose was more reliable and required just as much effort (hooray!). Unfortunately for us, he quickly decided that this method failed to convey both the urgency and decisiveness that he has for needing to go out. So he switched up his game. He learned to swat it with his paw. And when I say “swat” I mean that he winds up, cocks back and wails the living snot out of the little bell JUST to make sure that The Stupid People hear him ring it from 10 feet away. Each trip is now accompanied by a “Yes, Jonas, we get it. You need to go potty. Jackass.”

Really though, besides his flair for the dramatic, we’re happy that this has been successful. Until last week.

See, secretly, I think Jonas is at home right now (with The Stupid People at work) plotting. Perhaps even scheming. I would not be surprised if he went as far as to pull out his graph paper and mini Trapper Keeper ruler to devise his dastardly and devious plans of destruction. In all fairness though, what else would he do? Sleep?

The latest product of his “free time” is that he’s figured out the concept of how to CLOSE the door. Sure, we mortals can OPEN it, but ha ha! He can CLOSE it! We should tremble in his majesty and intellect! He started last week and I thought it was a fluke, but now it is part of our potty routine. He rings the bell, I open the door and say “Hurry! Go potty,” upon which time he steps back from the threshold, plants his ass on the rug and while looking directly into my eyes moves his right paw in the most strangely human fashion, snaking it around the back of the door and pushing it closed. And if he’s feeling really froggy? He’ll army crawl up to it and give it an extra push for good measure, just to make sure that it is definitively shut. And that I understood the sheer awesomeness of what he just did. Toss in an extra cock of the head as he’s smiling at me and you would have thought he had just discovered the theory of relativity. He’s so damned proud of himself.

So to all of my friends that I’ve bragged to and recommended that they too try the bell technique, heed my warning: If you’re leaving your dog alone unsupervised for long periods of time, give them some Highlights Magazines or Soduku puzzles. Otherwise you’ll come home to find out that they’ve figured out your PayPal password and have ordered a palette of peanut butter on eBay shipped priority. Trust me on that one.