Dear assorted members of that house in my neighborhood that is way too sketchy it might just be another meth lab,

Though you don’t know me, I am your friendly neighbor from around the way. You might recall seeing me walk my little black dog now and again. Not to pester, but I simply wanted to let you know how happy I am for you!

See, for the past three months, I’ve cursed you. Sometimes under my breath, but most times quite audibly. Your heinous living habits too noticeable to ignore have caused me much mental anguish. Let’s face it, now that your rusted-out 1982 Ford F350—the one with the “If You’ve Got The Nuts, Follow My Ruts!” sticker and naked ladies on the mud flaps—has finally been towed away, your house looks marginally better! Champagne toasts all around, for sure.

I don’t know if anyone else in the neighborhood bitches about you. I do know that in my house you are a frequent topic of conversation, though. Topping the list of questions that my wife and I have are, “why are there between seven and nine trucks parked in your grass every day?” and perhaps “I never see the same two teenagers twice yet only one adult woman who chain smokes. Did the mothership take the male host away?” We’re dying to know, really. And if someone in your compound really does own a lawn service, why do you continue to scalp your own landscaping down to 1/4”, allowing only weeds and clover to stay alive in the late summer sun? You must be way smarter than me, that’s for sure.

So while my family is beside ourselves with joy that your beloved, bull-horned truck has been removed, we confess to still being a bit wary. Frankly, we’re concerned that while you are trying to sell your house, no one would touch it besides the Branch Davidians. So we’ve compiled a short list of things that might help speed things up:

1. Remove the one each of the “doubles of everything” shtick, including but not limited to grills, lawnmowers, weed whackers, truck parts and trucks. No we’re not snooping inside, this is all on your back lawn.
2. Perhaps not parking cars 6” away from your back deck and conversely 15 feet from the driveway is uninviting to potential buyers. I would try to limit yourselves to the big cement driveway.
3. That fake plastic Frosty the Snowman decoration on your front porch shows that you’re either a bit overeager for the holiday season or about 10 months too late. Or perhaps your house is choking on it’s own crap, all consequently decorations must stay up year round? This has to go, whatever the case.
4. Lastly, we would suggest that when showing the property to prospective buyers, the chew-loving, cammo-trucker hat wearing bubba who never wears a shirt with sleeves might want to go grab a Big Gulp up at the local convenience store. He and his 18 friends/baby mammas that stay over each night are not helping your chances of selling any time soon. I think he even barked at me once.

So dear assorted members of that house in my neighborhood that is way too sketchy it might just be another meth lab, are we good now? I feel better now that I’ve gotten my concerns off my chest. Because believe you me, the faster you get the hell out of the neighborhood, the sooner I can go back to forgetting that I live in Kentucky. And I need all the help I can get.

Sincerely,
Brian Faust