There’s not much to know about the world of men’s shoes except that it sucks.
I like shoes. Probably more than the average guy. I enjoy a quick look-around at shoe stores whenever I get the chance. And the problem is that it really is just a quick look. You see, the modern, chain-based men’s shoe department consists of approximately six shoes, repeated and remixed a zillion times. Let’s see what we’ve got:
The I Can’t Quit the ’80s Boardroom Classic Loafer - Seriously, the dudes from LA Law played this out. Next to the wingtip, sometimes I feel like this is all that’s out there for men’s dress shoes. I don’t want loafers. If I did, I’d try squeezing into the pair I wore when I was five (and even then thought was totally lame).
The All-Inclusive Yet All-Uninspiring Shoe - You’ve seen it a million times. It’s the Dave Matthews Band of shoes. Not dressy, not classy, not casual or even remotely decent looking. You, my friend, are the Tony Danza of the footwear world.
The Boot for the Inner Fratelli In You - I think you’d have to either be one of the Italian brothers from The Goonies or some guy with lots of chest hair who wears their dress shirts unbuttoned like so in order to pull this off. Burt Reynold’s might own this shoe. Maybe it’s just me. But I’d kick my own ass if I tried to pull this one off.
The I Listen to Jimmy Buffet and Think About A Boat I Don’t Own Deck Shoe - Yea, I get it. You’d prefer to fish and drink Bud Light than work that 9-5. This little piece of soled heaven can stay “your shoe.” But for those of use who like to wear socks with our shoes, this is not an option. Or for those of us with dignity.
The I Can’t Believe You Can Wear That With a Straight Face Man Sandal - No. Just…no.
The Not Bad If I Was Rock Climbing in the Office Shoe - I might be able to rock something like this if I weren’t wearing khakis. Or dress pants of any kind. Maybe shorts? Forget it, I don’t wear shorts and I’m not mountain biking in the Moab. I’m just sitting at my desk trying to look normal. We were so close with this one…
Perhaps my expectations are too high. Or maybe I am expecting too much out of non-boutique type shops. I do know, however, that I could likely navigate blind through any DSW, Off Broadway or other shoe store with sub $80 footwear and tell you exactly where each of these six styles are. The only time I’d get thrown off is if they put some of those awesome Teva sandals in there. ‘Cuz I can totally still rock them like it’s 1993. Right?
Ugh…
