Dear People Who Think Inflatables Are “Good Looking” Christmas Decorations,

Happy holidays! If that seemed like a suspiciously chipper way to start this snarky letter, you’re right! I’m simply trying my darndest to suppress that growing tidal wave of rage inside me. Wouldn’t want a trip to the county jail to spoil the yuletide festivities now would we? But we can be civil. We’re neighbors, right? OK, well not technically. But you do live down the street, and I DO have to pass your house every day and be reminded of your terrible, God-forsaken taste in seasonal decorations. So let’s talk this out.

I don’t know where you went wrong, really. I don’t know you from Jack. But I have a burning desire to find out if when were growing up your parents gathered up the family to hoist a 10-foot tall inflatable and interiorly-lit snowman high into the air? No? Probably because plastic was still relatively new at the time. So you have no excuse for doing it? Rest assured then that if your dear ma and pa were here today they’d slap you senseless for that crap you just put on your front lawn. Apparently the law says that I can’t.

Look, I’m not trying to be a prick. It’s just that…well…it looks tacky as hell. If I wanted to see some lit-up plastic candy canes or life-sized white wicker deer I’d rather turn on COPS, not turn down my street. The light netting is fine, but can’t you take the time to tuck each individual strand? Please God cover the ENTIRE BUSH, not just the front half. Did you get drunk and pass out half way through? Was it just too rough? And please don’t get any ideas for next year, either. I know your neighbor has that huge PROJECTION WHEEL WITH GRAPHICS that displays spinning pictures on his garage door, but it’s not nearly as awesome as you or he think it is. Trust me.

I don’t see why we can’t be reasonable. Sure, I think the plastic Frosty you put on your roof looks L-A-M-E, and those giant lighted snow flakes that look like mutated Stars of David are confusing (unless of course, you’re Jewish, then I mean no offense). But I’m not asking you to forgo ALL decorations! Just use some judgment. Things that blink? Off limits. If your decorations involve motors or blowers, forget about it. If the scale of the decoration in proportion to your lawn exceeds 20% and/or might be able to be clearly identified from a satellite via Google Earth, I would kindly ask you to reconsider.

We’re all here to celebrate the Christmas holiday, each in our own little way. So lets say we make this year a little less, “Walmart sharted on my house” and a little more, “I exercised adult-like restraint!” How ‘bout it? Thanks. I can’t wait for Easter.

Yours in moderation,
Brian

PS - Oh, and please don’t resort to putting a wreath on the front grill of your truck. I’ll cut that sh*t off if you do.