Well, winter finally arrived here in tropical Louisville, Kentucky. An unseasonably warm “winter” gave way to normalcy in the form of a staggering 1/2 inch of snow overnight. And while in previous winters I might not have batted a sleepy eye at such a pittance, this year Jonas, Imperial Lord of Destruction, is with us. And yes, he was so totally stoked to see snow he head almost ‘sploded.
As the clock radio clicked over to 5:55 a.m. and I heard the morning weather report, I knew I was in for it. School closings (I know, but try to contain your laughter, my northern friends) and delays were counted off, and as I got ready for work I had to mentally prepare myself for how Jonas was going to react. And I had just about convinced myself that he wouldn’t even notice it when I reached the bottom of the stairs, rounded the corner only to find him ready for takeoff in his cage, shaking with excitement.
I tried to keep him away from the back door for as long as possible, praying that he wouldn’t ring the bell to go outside. Sadly, nature took over and he needed to use it. After ringing the bell an obnoxious 43 more times he plunked his ass down on the rug in front of the back door. I went over to him and tried explaining that he was going to find new things outside and to please, please, please not get too muddy and wet because I just couldn’t handle that before coffee. As I was talking to him, he leaned around me so that he could see out the glass door, and his sight hit the snow-covered deck. His eyes got as large as King Dongs. He looked at the snow, looked at me, looked at the snow, and then stared at me like, “This? You didn’t tell me that this could happen? WHAT ELSE HAVE YOU BEEN KEEPING FROM ME, HUMAN?” So…I let him play.
Four paws out he already had his face wide open in a futile attempt to swallow the entire deck in one gulp. Side to side, back and forth, licking, snorting, swallowing and chewing (you know, because snow is so, chewy?). He was beside himself and he was hopping. And when I say “hopping” I’m not lying. He was physically bouncing up and down, which of course made the snow fly about even more, which of course delighted him to no end.
After convincing him to give it up and go to the bathroom, I eventually got him inside. Still shaking with happiness, he could hardly walk a straight line. Immediately a fury of toy-chasing commenced and all I could do was stay out of his warpath. He was an absolute maelstrom of glee, and I on the other hand still hadn’t had any coffee.
Suddenly, in the middle of a game of Kick That Tennis Ball!, he stopped and looked at me as if to say, “OH SH*T. I totally forgot about that outside stuff…I hope it’s still there!” He then proceeded to run full-speed towards the door. A bit too enthusiastically, too, as he misjudged the distance and slammed his face into the doorknob. It didn’t stun him one bit.
I begrudgingly let him out once more, this time to watch an even more animated second round of bulldozing and hopping. He eventually figured out how to roll up snowballs with his snout, only to pick them up and smash them with his teeth. At one point, he was so content that he looked up to the deck railing and noticed that there was MORE SNOW! up there, more food for him to devour. And as he pawed-up to ravage this untouched blanket of white, he threw his head back, stuck his tongue out, and smiled at me as if to say, “thank you.”
Then, as I dried off his paws, he bit the sh*t out of my hand. Four times, actually. His Majesty had indeed inflicted his brand of bone-crushing awesomeness onto yet another product of Mother Nature.
I can’t wait until it hails on him.
