Hey guys, what’s up? It seems that some of you have been very busy lately. Too busy. In fact, that’s why I’m writing to you.

Look, I know some of us go way back. Laptop? We’ve had some really fun times together. Remember me lugging you through the San Fransisco airport even though your lard-ass weighs 9lbs? No hard feelings! But seriously, we have to talk about this battery issue. I treat you well, keep your files ship-shape and you now refuse to hold a single minute of a charge? I didn’t chew you out when 25 minutes was the best I could get unplugged. But ZERO minutes? C’mon man, that’s just not right and you know it. Even iPod and Cell Phone are showing you up, and that’s not saying much. You know what notorious slackers they are.

Center Channel in the Home Theater, we were buds for like an entire year, what happened? It’s as if once we moved into the new house you got scared of the change and finally up and fuzzed out on me last month. Sure you’re under warranty, but still. That ain’t cool. You need to stop hanging out with those other sketchy, delinquent friends of yours. Tripath Amplifier and his sidekick Power Supply are no good (though admittedly better since Amp’s stint in rehab last week). As soon as you get fixed, part of you is grounded.

And Fridge…oh Fridge, seriously? Even though we just met in June, we welcomed you into our home like family. We cared for you and cleaned you often, kept you smelling nice and lookin’ sharp w/ that magnetic poetry. So what’s with the acting-out? We got you fixed this month and already I can tell you’re slipping back into old habits. Please Fridge, don’t crap out again. Your older brother in the basement doesn’t run as cool as you do and one more repair might make him keel over and everything would be spoiled. Just be cool about everything.

How could I forget Dog Cage and Electronic Dog Collar? You two, like Frick and Frack. Inseparable. You guys are like the two things that keep my sanity with Jonas. So what’s with this recent bullsh*t!? How the hell are you gonna go and be cracked in half, Cage, and you just fall off the dog entirely Collar? Both of you now require servicing, and if a warranty doesn’t cover BOTH of you, you don’t even want to know what I’ll do. Let’s just say it’ll be way more painful than enduring his flatulence problem.

And I know that we’ve had our issues recently (Water Heater, Roof, Air Conditioner, Lawn Mower — I’m speaking to all of you), but we’ve patched it up. We’re good now. You all cooperated with minimal damage to the wallet so all is forgiven. But everyone else take heed and see Garage Door as an example. If you refuse to play along nicely your ass stays broke as a damned joke. Got it?

And finally, Wife’s Car, I tread lightly with this request, though I’m entirely too serious: please cooperate. You’re showing signs of having a breakdown soon and we’re but one last payment away from being rid of your debt. We’re worked hard on this one so don’t let us down. I can very easily drain your oil and leave you high-n-dry on blocks in the yard. I do live in Kentucky after all.

So whatta ya say? Can we knock it off with the breaking and the busting and go back to when everyone just worked as they were supposed to? I don’t care if I didn’t name every one of you, or that all your friends are doing it. Say no to appliance-pressure. In my household you will perform as expected or else. And you don’t want to find out what the “else” is. I have an eBay account and I know how to use it.

Warm regards,
Brian