The Wife™ started getting Cosmo a few months ago as a “prize” for drinking so much Diet Coke. Normally this would cause me to hemorrhage from the face with anger because I loathe this magazine. But I figured, hey, why not get something in return for my money? If I’m spending 30% of my monthly salary on her sugar water addiction I might as well be as informed as a wide-eyed 14-year old girl from Omaha on those totally cool makeup tips. You never know when that knowledge might come in handy. That’s how McGuyver got to be so damned awesome you know.

Anyway, after a few months of seeing these adbooks magazines laying around, it has become painfully clear that there are indeed no editors involved with the making of this publication. Instead, a team of monkeys hyper off of ginseng tea cranks out each issue with brilliant execution following the same, tried-and-true template that I’ve outlined below. You may think I’m bluffing, but these are SO the actual blueprints for the magazine:

Advertisements - The first step is to gather as many ads as possible in order to reach the required weight of 22lbs. of paper per issue. Assemble a collection from whatever products are being hawked by Beyonce, Sara Jessica Parker and that chick from Desperate House Wives. Pair these with 15% lingerie ads, 20% smelly perfume/cologne pages with requisite “dudes with no shirts” pictures, and 12% ads from various haircare vendors. Make sure that the table of contents for the issue doesn’t start until page 412.

Cover - Ah, the cover. It’s what sells each issue, right? Well thankfully our monkeys don’t work too hard because even this has a formula. Take a current actress or model; photograph her with her hands on her hips wearing prohibitively expensive clothes. Photoshop the hell out of the final picture and place on a background that is of a bright pastel color you selected via spinning a wheel (default to pink in case of broken wheel). Add the following teasers:

• 99 HOT SEX/SEX TRICKS/or SEX FACTS YOU NEVER KNEW EXISTED – Yes, you ran this story last month. Jumble the list up. And whatever these pointless tips are, make sure to mention that they’ll “blow his mind” or “leave him begging for more.”
• Confessions of…, Someone Spills Their Guts…, or other such tell-all exposes. – Stereotypically this panders well to the fact that all red-blooded women love gossip. Feed this, Seymour.
• Cheating Men! Stupid Things Men Do! or The Lies They Tell! – Paint men as brainless and bumbling hornballs. It will help boost pity shopping for one of your advertisers. And ice cream.
• Hidden Dangers of…, 5 Warning Signs…, or The Crime Story Every Young Girl Must Read – Fear mongering goes very nicely with eyeshadow tips. Duh, everyone has known that since like the dawn of time or something.
• Some mention of fat, weight or diets. It is statistically proven that every woman is entirely too insecure and will actually believe that this month is the month that your workout/diet tips will make her look sexier.

Reader Content - Why do the work yourself when you can cut and paste stories that readers email you? Get some free stock photos of some chick lounging in the grass reading, rotate them on the page and flow the text around it. Call-out type needs to be 48pt and pink. This should make up 60% of the 12 actual pages of content each issue. Also: mention the words “period,” or “menstrual cycle” at least 55 times in these sections.

Celeb Photo Roundup - This should fill out the rest of the issue whenever needed. Getting AP photos of celebs on the red carpet is easy. Now just have an “expert” (Ted, that’s you, even though you’re not) to comment on their hair, makeup or wardrobe. It doesn’t even matter what you say or if it’s even coherent, as long as you mention things in simplistic terms as “DO’s” and “DON’TS.”

The overall breakdown of each issue should include the themes of fashion, fear of something, shopping, sex, shopping, sex, dumb dudes and relaxation techniques. You’re guaranteed to sell millions each month in almost every country with people that have eyes if you follow The Manual.

So, as the March issue recently made it’s hefty way into our household, I am again not disappointed. For as much as I hate this piece of garbage “magazine,” it’s mindless drivel requires no neural activity whatsoever to digest. So when I finish the current book that I’m reading even I will be sucked into reading this crap, screaming at the pages in front of me for their idiotic anecdotes and shockingly nasty reader sex stories.

And then I’m going to archive an issue so that I can one day point to it as evidence to my future children of what single-handedly ruined modern women.