Dear Guy In My Building Who’s Suspiciously Always In The Bathroom,

I don’t mean to be rude, and I know I’m approaching a sensitive topic here, but come on man. Enough is enough. I’ve gotta call you out on this behavior. It’s just plain weird that I never see you outside of the men’s room.

The first few months that I was here in this building, I thought it was a coincidence that every time I used the bathroom you were either already set up in there or had arrived once I was using it. Hell, I have to take a leak so many times during the day, I didn’t even take heed for awhile. But it’s hard to ignore your grunting, your unmistakable boat shoes underneath the stall or your obnoxiously pink travel mug that you insist on parading in with you as a sort of battle flag. You’ve been outted man. I know you’re not working in there, I think you’re just chillin’ on the pot.

For months I had no clue what you looked like beyond your shoes and coffee mug. I knew you were on a very regimented 9:00/11:10/1:30/3:15 bowel-movement routine, as regular as a train schedule. Are you ok? Do you have IBS or something? Do you just eat too much Mexican food? Frankly I’m a bit concerned that you need to go #2 that many times each day. Could you be a dude who simply likes to sit when they pee? Sure, but then what’s with the grunting? You’re an unabashed office pooper who could care less if their bathroom indiscretions are overwhelming enough to embarrass everyone else in the room. And on behalf of everyone else: STOP IT.

Once we ran into each other and I saw you with your pink coffee mug, I can no longer look you in the eye. Your confident swagger tells me your a Proud Pooper. Good for you. You are likely the same kind of gentleman that has no issue with farting at a urinal (if you ever even use one), scratching their junk in public, or zipping up outside the stall. Hell, I bet you were that kid in grade school that dropped trou’ fully each time, standing butt-ass naked in front of the urinals all proud that you could potty by yourself. For some reason you feel that the bathroom is your turf. And I’m here to request that you tone it down a bit.

As I said, I know I’m in there quite a lot myself. I drink far too much water and often need to vacate up to three times per hour. But in fairness, I try to be expedient, silent and sanitary. Get in, get done, get clean and get out. But how the hell are you in there every damned time? Do you live in there? Are you homeless? Has our building run out of space and you’ve set up your office in one of the two stalls? If so, I apologize for using it on occasion. You weren’t there, so you must have been out refilling your coffee mug. I didn’t know I was using your office, I promise. If you need me to sign a petition to get you a legit space to work, I’ll gladly take part. Your permanency in this public space in inexcusable.

I don’t want to be a jerk, Bathroom Guy. I’m simply a little creeped out by you and your icy, confident stare. I swear if I go in there today and you’ve already set up shop in stall #2 (as you seem to have a preference), I’m calling you out. Or I’ll pull the fire alarm so you have to finish up in a hurry. Just make sure to wash your hands for once, okay?

Sincerely,
Brian Faust