So by now many of you may have heard of the Master Cleanse, which is a “diet” — or else that’s what the bozos at the DHG want you to believe (that’s the Department of Human Gullibility). They churn out new and utterly ridiculous methods of starvation every month or so.

Anyway, it seems as if everyone is talking about this no-eating, lemon-sucking nonsense diet. So I decided to post my alternative method of cleansing, one that is healthier (umm, because you eat food?), faster acting (10 days? wtf?) and totally a sport of sorts. Below is a simple outlined infographic to help you get started on the totally new, totally awesome Mexican Geezer Diet (now in Spicy Orange!).

I’ve been adding this special ingredient to my daily fiber supplement for a week now, and let me tell you something sister. I’m a believer. It’s like inviting Drunk Aunt Liz to your Christmas dinner, everything around her gets demolished and then everyone leaves the party. Just it’s in your colon and not your living room. And Drunk Aunt Liz is actually cayenne pepp…oh never mind, you get it.

So if you’re lookin’ for a good time this weekend, give it a shot. As you can see by the gi-normous bottles of both ingredients, I’m in it to win it. Just make sure you don’t use too much other either, or else catastrophe could ensue.

And please don’t ask how I know about that.