So seeing as how I’m quickly approaching my two year anniversary of being sentenced up and moving to The ‘Tucky, I thought I’d add on to some things that I had originally noticed when I first moved here. That and I love to make lists.

• People actually feel sorry for you when you say that you live in Kentucky. I do not shun this kind of pity.
• You know that you’ve reached a new low in life when saying, “well, I’m originally from Ohio” is supposed to be a valid excuse for something.
• “Crayons” is pronounced “crowns.” “Five,” “nine” and “fine” are all the same word to a northerner’s ears. All of them sound equally idiotic.
• Saying that you don’t like basketball is akin to announcing that you’re an albino transgendered Eskimo hooker. Unless you want to meet the barrel-end of a shotgun, keep this to yourself at all times.
• Mullets, apparently, are not a laughing matter. I will refuse to accept this until my dying day.
• Denim-on-denim outfits, fanny packs and anything with the Tasmanian Devil on them pass as “approved clothing for being seen in public.”
• Jesus loves you. At least according to 90% of the overpasses, unwashed truck trailers and barn signs.
• Tractor pulls are real. And highly attended events.
• Outlet mall shopping is the equivalent of reaching heaven/Valhalla/nirvana. Consequently, it is also my definition of the Third Ring of Hell.
• Derby Day is holier than Christmas and Easter combined.
• “Going to the boat” (riverboat gambling) is a legitimate vacation.
• Apparently the state symbols are the Cardinal and the Gray Squirrel. The state symbol is not Calvin peeing on a Chevy symbol. I did not know this until I just looked it up.
• It helps to have a reason for living in Kentucky, such as, “Oh, I just moved here because of my wife.” This helps dull the pain of embarrassment. Bourbon helps more.
• Any food can be served “country style” if you simply put gravy on it. A crappy meal can also be made agreeable by adding biscuits. They live by simple rules here in the Bluegrass State.
• I’ve still never seen blue grass.
• If you hear someone from Kentucky say they’ve been to Paris, Versailles or London, rest assured they did not travel outside state lines to do so.
• “International Airport” is a relative term.
• For some reason, I will be slapped for writing this entire post as all Kentuckians have a deluded sense of pride in their state. I guess they’re not in on the joke like the rest of the country.

I can’t believe it has been two entire years that I’ve been here. I love my wife and my house, and can’t really see myself being elsewhere.

That is until I pass someone on the way home flying the rebel flag.