I love being Irish. We get our own annual, national holiday (suck it, Swedes!), we have ridiculous alcohol tolerances to compliment our ridiculous work ethics and our general stereotyped demeanor is rather cheerful. In short, I’m thankful for my heritage. Good job, grandpa.

What I do not like about being Irish is the fact that the simple act of breathing causes the body to retain any and all sources of energy, stored primarily in the form of fat. Because you never know when there’s more work to be done on the farm, lad. Curse you, slow metabolism!

Regardless of the fact that I have no scientific proof of this phenomena, I believe it to be empirical fact and fully verified. The amount of energy it takes to lose 0.1 lbs is equivalent to running the Boston Marathon. Twice. In the same day.

True story.

It’s infuriating, not because I’m obsessed with looking good (lost that hope LONG ago, about the same time I discovered what mirrors were), but rather because living a simple, modest dietary existence causes me to gain weight, which causes me to be unhealthy, which is unacceptable given the cost of health care these days. An example:

Running 3-4 miles per day, 5-7 days each week, eating a nicely balanced diet (roughly 50% protein, 30% carbohydrates, 20% fats) in the range of about 1500-1700 calories. No fast food. No fried foods, candy, etc. The result? No movement of the scale. Cut out some running and watch it tick upwards. Perhaps not working out enough!

Now walking 2-3 miles each morning, 2-3 miles at lunch, and either running 4 miles or lifting weights after work. Even with a slightly increased caloric intake to offset the increased amount of work, the result? Weight gain. Seriously?

I don’t mean to bitch, whine, moan or whimper here. I’m healthy enough to be able to workout, which in reality should be of key importance. But what is the most frustrating is that I would like to enjoy a damned beer on an occasional evening without the fear (or reality) of gaining more weight. In my experiences over the past five years, I’ve found that alcohol, even in moderate amounts in my body, wreaks havoc and causes my metabolism to shut down. Let’s just say my metabolism and I are SO NOT SPEAKING.

I’m not looking to get drunk (statistically impossible, see “high tolerance” reference above), catch a buzz or even have more than one. Over the years I’ve come to appreciate the taste of good beer, and really do enjoy having one or two a week. I sure as hell picked the wrong hobby to start with homebrewing because every spare inch of our house is crammed with boxes of beer that it will take me a lifetime to drink at a rate of 12oz per week.

It is a sad reality that in order to maintain a healthy weight, I would need to run every day and eat less than I do now, which ironically I don’t have the energy to do. So the end result is a very pissed off Irishman with no stein of beer to cry in to. Is there no justice in this world?

So to all you “eat anything I want” types, you “I switch to diet soda and dropped 25lbs” people, I say…enjoy it. You may not have your own national holiday complete with plastic green top hats, but you have peace of mind and sanity, every day free of worrying if having that extra 3oz of grilled fish will require another 30 minutes on the treadmill. Bitches.