I think that I’ve watched enough Law & Order- and CSI-type shows by now to generalize on a few fairly universal truths that seem to exist in TV land. There is a slight possibility that my conclusions are ill-laid though, because I refuse to watch any of the CSI: Miami series. David Caruso’s head scares the piss out of me.

1. Overhead lights do not exist - Apparently every police precinct is in on the green movement, as the only lights that are ever on are tiny, insufficient desk lamps. Every interrogation room has a single light bulb, and every sketchy crime scene conveniently has no room lights to switch on, thus necessitating flashlights. These poor people must have terrible eyesight by now. It’s a wonder they ever get any work done.
2. All science-related things are done in rooms with blue LED lighting - Apparently labs are only allowed faint blue lighting to conduct their forensic investigations. No blue light? No science going on.
3. The first person interviewed is never the culprit - I know this rule, yet somehow always get burned. They question the subject and immediately I scream, “it’s him! he did it! THAT BASTARD!” only to realize that there’s 47 more minutes left in the episode. Dick Wolf is a genius.
4. There’s nothing the coroner can’t find, and when they do it’ll be presented in a totally nonchalant fashion. - Surprisingly they also work in a dimly-lit basement with no other co-workers.
5. Detectives never finish a meal. They are zombies - In the 12,000 episodes of CSI I’ve seen the poor detectives eat maybe a half a dozen times, yet never once get to finish the meal before they have to run out the door without paying. Nor do they sleep, go home or wear anything but suits.
6. 99% of criminals do not realize that they leave finger prints or semen - You would think by now that the general population would have caught on and invested in some gloves and condoms.
7. Check the sewers for the gun - No, really, I’m serious. It’s probably there. Why does it take them 24 TV hours to realize this?
8. Prepaid cellphones and epinephrine are your best bets - I’m not man enough to ever commit more of a crime than tearing the tag off of a mattress, but if I did, I would be sure to use a prepaid cellphone (paid in cash), and knock-off whomever I needed to w/ an injection of epinephrine. Gotta make sure they can’t trace you and that the coroner thinks it was a simply a heart attack.
9. Police have the best technology ever - Every computer has a kick-ass GUI, every video can be zoomed in 40,000% and then magically enhanced to absolute clarity, call-tracing is both instantaneous and bad-ass looking, and microscopes can solve anything.
10. If you’re a suspect, prepare to get punched - Apparently detectives are allowed to serve you a knuckle sandwich any time of day, or throw you around the interrogation room if they don’t like your answers. BD Wong is probably watching from behind the glass, psychoanalyzing your ass as it gets handed to you.

Just once I would love to see them get Blue Screen of Death’ed. Guess I’ve got a few more years of USA Marathons to watch. You know, just in case.