Sitting in the third row seats of my sister-in-law’s new minivan this weekend, I actually thought to myself, “This car ain’t half bad.” Instead of getting out right there to schedule surgery to reattach my manhood dignity, I panicked, trying to justify to myself that it was the shiny 10” touch-screen navigation system or the flip-down DVD player that I thought was great.

Dear God what has happened to me? Next thing you know I’ll be wearing Crocs (with white athletic socks, no less) and Ralph Lauren polo shirts while yucking it up with my neighbors about the homeowners association.

Someone needs to kick my ass with a quickness. In the meantime, I’m running off to listen to as much Minor Threat and Bad Religion as I can get my hands on. Oi!