While we were on vacation a few weeks ago, The Wife™ and I decided to splurge. No, we didn’t get crazy and buy a Wii or XBox 360, a large LCD television or even hit up the buffet at The Pizza Hut. No, instead we hit the milestone in every marriage when you know things have changed in your decision making: we forewent a birthday gift for me and bought Jonas a very large, unfortunately expensive bed.

It was not a rash purchase. It was something we debated for over a year. We finally took the dive because, well, we were tired of him pillaging everything in the house each night like Godzilla simply because he wouldn’t sit down. See, our first floor is all hard surfaces, which His Majesty™ doesn’t fancy, thus he doesn’t sit down. Even when we scream at him, “SIT THE HELL DOWN!” No dice. So in purchasing this bed, we were really making an investment in our future sanity. We were also crossing over into the realm of where “little monsters people and their happiness take precedence over big people.” It’s going to take awhile to get used to that.

Now that we’re home, the plan has mostly worked. The reason it was so expensive was 1) he’s the size of a fully-grown mule, so we needed the extra large bed and, 2) we had to get the Tough Chew version because there is nothing too tough for him to chew. The good thing about the Tough Chew is that with the Orvis satisfaction guarantee, you can return it and they’ll send you a new one. A new one! For more chewing! And you get two whole chances of doing this before they finally send you back all your hard-earned money with a note telling you to invest less in bedding, more in tranquillizers. Or doggie dentures.

All in all, Jonas is happy. Sure, within the first five minutes of laying on it he had already chewed a hole in the “Tough Chew” fabric. And true, he now takes running leaps onto it that send him slipping and sliding across the wood floor only to crash into the wall. So while I’m not sure if it’s more of a toy than a rest area for his big-ass frame, it seems to have worked. Most mornings before work and most evenings he spends his time rolling around on the bed, pushing his legs against the wall trying to send himself scooching across the room on it like a flying carpet. But he sits. Finally. After 14 months.

And before you go thinking that perhaps he is a different dog, a dog devoid of any abnormalities or ill-patterned behavior, stop yourself. Last night as I was in the basement, I watched him through the window run out the door, over to the fence and jump up to rip the entire top of the fencepost off with his jaws. Spastic congratulatory romping ensued with the fencepost hanging out of his jowls like a turkey leg to a Viking. Fenceposts are not made of Tough Chew, and do not come with a satisfaction guarantee.

It’s also the fourteenth fencepost that he’s eaten.

PS - I tried to get a picture of Ali Baba on his flying carpet but he has yet to sit still. More attempts forthwith.