This past weekend The Wife™ and I went to a certain baby megastore where, apparently (as this is news to me), you do not buy babies. Rather, you buy stuff for babies, which seems confusing given the name of the store. I find their brand and subsequent marketing tragically flawed.
Anyway, Babies “R” Us (marketing department take note, your URL hints at a much better name for your company, one devoid of awkward grammatical ponderances: Babysaurus. Feel free to add an exclamation point for emphasis. E.g. Babysaurus!)…oh hell I’ve gone off again. Babies “R” Us (curse you, quote marks!) is a Dude Black Hole store. By this I mean that the second a man walks through the door he feels entirely useless, unable to form cohesive thoughts, stripped of rational ability to give opinions on things. Similar Dude Black Hole stores are Victoria’s Secret and Hallmark Card Shops (or ‘shoppes’ if you’re fancy). I have refused to go in to the latter examples for years for fear of panic attacks, and it appears as if Babies “R” Us might get blacklisted as well.
What struck me about the store (beyond not selling babies. WTF?) is just how DAMNED expensive everything is. Standing in line to buy two small gifts for a friend’s baby shower, we were surrounded on all sides by other customers who were unaware that they had handed the cashier their AmEx card to swipe $548.21 in plastic crap. Strollers. Combination bouncy/swing seats. Some whirly-gig thing that connects to your iPod and spins the kid in a wide arc (baby autoclave?). I swear we were the only ones in line that got out of the store with a purchase in the two digits and that didn’t require an F-150 to haul home.
“…and it appears as if Babies “R” Us might get blacklisted as well.”
Thankfully, The Wife™ and I seem to be on the same page about this whole baby thing. We have nieces that have every toy imaginable, yet true to a child’s form, there will never be enough new playthings to satisfy them. So I say this now, I plan on being as simple as possible when it comes to losing my retirement savings buying stuff for the baby. No baby wipe warmers, no diaper trash compactor, no baby autoclaves. Finding the delicate balance between properly caring for your child and not succumbing to the default mindset of consumerism and impracticality…it’s not an easy line to walk. But I hope we can meet the challenge head-on and eventually end up with a humble nursery that will be a safe, comfortable environment for them to spend their first few years in, dreaming and growing to see the world.
There are a few non-negotiable things already on the “to buy” list. I don’t want to spoil it just yet, but let’s just say that it involves a dog harness and a baby toupee. And maybe an iPod-connected baby autoclave.
