The past two days I’ve been stuck at home with a busted back, forced to do little but contemplate my navel, watch The History Channel and eat lentils. Why, you may ask? How could a 27 year old be stricken down with a bad back? Well, besides the fact that God hates me my theory is that my body is dyslexic, and thinks that it is actually 72 years old. At least that would explain my partiality to soup, house slippers and warm baths.
Anyway, I think I’ve mentioned before that I suck at staying home. I feel useless and unproductive. And with this whole sciatica thing, even sitting up was painful. So needless to say I had a lot of time on my hands to watch TV and read. The past 48 hours can be tritely condensed into the following statements:
- The History Channel is obsessed with Hitler, and 85% of their daytime program is alloted to this topic
- Cable news networks make me want to die
- Childbirth looks like it’s going to suck hardcore. For her. Not me. I’ll be eating a Snickers by the vending machines.
(that should make the Google Adwords pretty interesting)
The only book within reach that wasn’t nauseatingly droll was one of the pregnancy books that a friend lent us. And seeing as how I wasn’t much in the mood to read about information culture, information networks and the socioeconomic impact of shifting away from older, monolithic models of production, I read up on this whole “baby thing” that everyone keeps talking about.
Holy sh*t.
During my reading, I discovered that right now my baby is the size of a small pot roast (their words, not mine), diaper bags are not suitable sleeping options for newborns, and that the uterus easily allows sound transmission. And if that last part strikes you as surprising, consider this chart from the same book. No, really. Go ahead and take a look:
Okay, so I’m moving beyond the fact that it’s inconceivable for me to grasp something the size of a BAGEL coming out of anyone’s hoo-ha (let alone a soda can, orange juice can, Oreo, etc). But really? Who describes the size of things like this? And why are they all food related? Were the authors thinking, “You know, we should make this as revolting as possible, so that when the parents are experiencing this thing that is like a mini-reenactment of that scene from Aliens all they can think of is, ‘hey, it really is the size of a bagel!’” No wonder sound travels easily up there.
I’m never staying home again.
