Dear Assclown Next To Me, Yea You In the Pink Polo Driving the Volvo S60,

What’s going on man? Hey, I don’t mean to bother you but I couldn’t help but notice that bumper sticker you’ve got there. See, I was going to take a picture to put it on the internet (because you are a walking cliche rife for lampooning), but then I figured that it might pump your ego up even more too much because you mistook me for photographing your fine luxury automobile. Sadly not true. But can we talk for a second? I need to be serious for a moment.

See, your sticker says “Keep Louisville SOPHISTICATED” and I get it. It’s supposed to be in opposition to the “Keep Louisville Weird” ones that are all around town. Problem is, it’s not funny. Not sure if you know, but the KLW campaign is about business. It’s about supporting local, independent businesses, like the ones that help define Louisville as a city, ones with a bit of personality. Without these ma-and-pa shops, Louisville would just be another generic Midwestern city, chock full of Olive Gardens and Applebees and Best Buy chains. For some reason you oppose this. But not me. One of the reasons I can stand saying that I live in Kentucky is that I’m proud of the little independent community that Louisville has, from the world-famous Ear X-tacy to Heine Brothers Coffee and everything in between, it’s something to be proud of, to stand behind.

So what’s your deal? It seems as if you’re embarrassed by independent businesses, their owners and their patrons. You (apparently) think that they bring down the image of Louisville, somehow tarnishing the reputation that this grand old city has worked so hard to uphold, as a proud and cosmopolitan, sleepy southern town.

Unfortunately for you, I think you’ve missed the point that YOU LIVE IN KENTUCKY. We’re like the least sophisticated state on the map. When people in other parts of the country hear about us they think “moonshine” and “trailer parks.” Where is this sophistication? For God’s sake, the city itself can’t even be pronounced the same way by two people. No, I’m not saying the city is filled with a bunch of backwards hilljacks, but really? REALLY? If you want sophistication, move to New York or Chicago, not the east end of Louisville, Kentucky. And if you’re around the other 364 days a year, you’ll realize that no one walks around in their Derby outfits except on Derby Day. So cool it with the sophistication shit.

Look man, I’m not mad at you. I just don’t want you to perpetuate the elitist stereotype that anything related to the Bardstown Road area is dirty and filled with hippies and weirdos. In fact, it’s the first thing I show off to out of town visitors, because it helps define who we are as a city. God knows there are no McMansion subdivisions in any other city though, right?

Oh, and newsflash there Chet, if you want sophistication you might want to start with removing a vinyl bumper sticker from your Volvo.

Yours in mint juleps,
Brian