Man, I really thought we were going to have a baby this past weekend. All the signs were maybe, quite possibly pointing in that direction. I jumped into action. With each new symptom she had I was referencing and cross-referencing books. I was baking food for hospital snacks. I was making her a plate of bacon to stay calm. I was gathering and grouping stuff to take with us. I was cleaning windows. Because you cannot bring a baby home to a house with dirty windows. Everyone knows that.

And then: nothing.

It amazes me how even in 2008 the world is not that far along. We’ve long since put someone into space. We can clone things and manipulate the world’s weather. Hell, we live in a world where even Clay Aiken can have a successful career, yet you’re telling me we can’t figure out definitive signs of labor? Dear medical community, how about we stop searching for cures of restless leg syndrome and instead focus on this labor thing, eh?

This past weekend was the most frustrating game of charades. “OOH! That was a contraction! Was that a contraction!? No? Was it in your cervix? Okay, okay, how about your back? You’re lower back? Crap, this game sucks. Have some more water.”

My poor wife could do little but sit on the couch for three days feeling like absolute crap and it was seemingly all for naught, despite what the signs and symptoms showed. According to the books, we were well on our way to Babyland and we were doing things to help it along (I’m not sure my wife’s consumed that much water ever.) I’ve never regretted my decision to not go into medical school more than I did this past weekend. (truth: also every time I get a paycheck)

And so we now wait. Part of me hopes, selfishly, that she doesn’t have to be induced. I want to be tested, to have all the past 8.5 months of reading put to good use in terms of detecting and managing stuff on our own before we waddle off to the hospital. But who knows. If I were to take a guess, I’d say that we’ll have a new member of the family by the end of the week.

That’s not in the books, though. Just a hunch.