I’m fairly confident that my son is eating diapers. Though I have yet to prove this, I have no reason to believe otherwise, as I only lie to myself on occasion.
Before Liam was born we acquired thousands of diapers. None of which were black market. They consumed entire closets in our house, displacing far more interesting and equally unimportant things that needed to be stored in those closets for us to never use. I thought this was excessive, yet practical, as one can never have too many diapers. Or at least that is what we were told by pretty much everyone we met prior to June 17.
Now a scant two months in and I’m left scratching my head. We’ve had to buy diapers. Twice. How this is possible I am not sure, and the logistics leave me scratching my head (I said this before, but I really mean it. I hope I don’t have lice instead). The only plausible explanations for how our government-sized stockpile of poop pants have dwindled can be reduced to:
- Jonas is selling them on eBay. Entirely within his realm, yet I checked his account and he has no recent sales. (Great seller rating, though.)
- Diaper fairies exist. I am willing to return to my childlike belief system, but The History Channel has not covered this on an episode of Monster Quest, ergo I have no reason to continue to believe it’s validity and have abandoned it as a theory entirely.
- Liam is eating the diapers. The reason that this is hands-down the most believable scenario is that all evidence is destroyed. The perfect crime, if you will. And seeing as there have been a recent uptick in number of soiled diapers, my theory grows stronger each day, all while he plays the cute angle. I just have to figure out what the little man’s motives are.
So tonight I begin the surveillance. I’m not completely sure how it’s going to go, but I reckon it will involve a webcam, some duct tape (to hold the flashlight to Jonas’ head), peanut butter (to coax Jonas into helping) and some No-Doze (to keep Jonas alert). I figure it’ll be pretty hands-off on my part and should go smoothly.
I just hope Jonas doesn’t get a wild hair and eat the diapers instead. Wait…
